Hi Sis Noe
I was raped by someone I thought was a friend, and I am scared that if I tell my boyfriend he will think I have cheated or it was my fault. We had gone together to a party and I got drunk and he took advantage of me.
Reply
I am very sorry this happened to you. This absolutely was not your fault. It does not matter how late you stay out, how much you have to drink or, for that matter, what you wear: the responsibility for this lies with the perpetrator alone. You are not wrong, he is a rapist. You are not to blame, he is. Many, many men see drunk women who have passed out at parties, or in other similarly vulnerable situations, and do not feel the need to rape them. Rape is very often about power and control, and not about men’s sexual desires — which, just like women’s, are entirely controllable. I do not know if you have told your boyfriend yet, and I do not know what his reaction might be. If it is anything but sympathy for you and anger at this other man, then you may want to consider your future with him. I really hope he is supportive.
Unfortunately, sometimes people do not react in a supportive way, which can be devastating for the person who has been raped. If you have not told him yet, then it is entirely up to you if you want to or not. You might feel like your control over your body and life was taken from you when you were raped, and you do not need anyone else telling you what to do now. The same goes for whether or not you report the rapist: the choice is entirely yours. Some survivors never want to talk about what happened; some choose counselling; some report it. While you decide, please go for counselling. The sessions will be private and confidential.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in love with a man who does not really love me. The sex is good and he treats me well but he says he does not believe in marriage. I spent two years without seeing but I recently met him and he told me he now has a child but does not love the mother. He says he wants to revive our sex life. I don’t know what to do, I told him to leave me alone but somehow I want to be with him.
Reply
I wonder what you want me to say. That, despite everything, this exciting feeling he gives you is worth it? You know it isn’t. The reason he still makes you feel like this, after all this time, is because you never know where you stand with him. It is a feeling of hope, not a sign of a soulmate. You seem terribly kind, you want to say the right thing, and you want to be fair: but I think you need to start getting angry. Is this man a bad person? Probably not wholly, which is what makes him so attractive: you keep trying to sieve out the good bits, the gold among the silt, but it isn’t enough, is it? What is clear is that he is not a good partner and he makes a mess wherever he goes.
Don’t be the person to clean up after him. Most of us have been there, with an entirely unsuitable partner who, at times, can feel so right. And, up to a point, that’s OK: it can teach us who we are, what we want, what we don’t want. It can be fun initially, but ultimately we have to leave because, long-term, these relationships erode your self-esteem. They make you feel wrong because you are never right enough for the other person — but only because nothing is. They can’t even be with themselves, which is why they constantly move on: this way they can see themselves reflected afresh in new partners. Ultimately, a relationship with him would stop being exciting and start to hurt. This see-sawing of emotions is not what adult relationships are built on. Cut him loose.
SOULMATES
I’m a 32-year-old female. I am HIV-positive, and I have no kids. I am a nurse by profession. I want a fit, professional man aged between 33 up to 38. He can be based anywhere.
I am a 35-year-old hard working accountant and single mother. I am a God-fearing Christian and I am looking for a man who wants to be in a serious relationship. I am based in Bulawayo. Men who are out to have fun and pass need not bother.
I am a 37-year-old woman who has never been married and I have no kids. I am professional and I have a good job. I am also a devoted Christian. I am looking for a man who is serious who wants to settle down.
I am 35-year-old mother of two and I am formally employed. I am looking for a man who wants a serious relationship. He should be aged 38 to 42.
I am a 30-year-old woman of one child. I am based in Bulawayo. I am looking for a man to date and have a serious relationship with.
I am a 30-year-old woman with two kids. I am HIV-negative looking for a single and loving serious man of the same status. He must be between the ages of 35-42. I am based in Bulawayo.
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I am a woman of 47. I am also looking for someone serious in life to settle down with.
I am a 35-year-old man looking for a serious lady aged 20-28 who is ready for marriage. I am based in Kadoma.
I am a 27-year-old handsome guy from Bulawayo looking for a young lady for dating.
I am a woman aged 35, I am looking for a single man aged 38 and above to marry me. I have two children, I am HIV-negative so I need a man of the same status. I am employed.
I am 20-year-old woman and HIV-positive. I am looking for a guy of the same status who is formally employed or should be a university student and aged 24-29. I am a university student.
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I am a lady aged 36 looking for a soulmate who is serious. I have one kid and I am employed.
I am a lady who is HIV-positive, aged 42 with two kids, looking for a man of the same status based in Bulawayo.
I am a Christian guy aged 25, staying in Bulawayo, seriously looking for a good lady aged 22 and below who wants a serious love.
I am a guy aged 28 looking for a lady aged 19 to 24. She should be HIV-negative and based in Bulawayo.
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