Hi Sis Noe
WHENEVER I have sex, I feel disgusted with myself most of the times. I think the problem is that it will be just sex and nothing more. What is wrong with me? — Worried.
Reply
Some people cannot tolerate being seen for what they are: sexual beings. This can be a result of highly negative, in-grained beliefs about sex from childhood, or it may be trauma-based. In all cases, people tend to be fairly unmotivated to seek help to change unless partners or circumstances mandate it. So, it is understandable that you seek and feel most comfortable with partners who are similarly “wired”. But recognising your sexual needs as healthy and valid is worth pursuing: not only may your ability to give and receive pleasure be greatly enhanced, but you would then be in a position to form lasting, deep relationships that could provide greater happiness throughout your life. It’s a choice you have to make. Will you simply do your best to filter your search for sexual partners to improve your chances of having non-intimate experiences? Or will you try for the joy that true intimacy can bring? Of course, you already know intimacy involves showing yourself as you truly are to another person and risking painful rejection: it is not for the faint-hearted.
Hi Sis Noe
About two-and-a-half years ago, I stopped feeling any sensation during sex, both on my own and with my partner. I was sexually abused as a child. My partner and I recently started sex therapy. I still want to have sex and am very sexually frustrated; I just want to know whether this is temporary. — Worried.
Reply
Therapy can awaken memories and elicit strong feelings. This is useful, because these phenomena are usually paths to healing. In the case of therapeutic work for survivors of sexual abuse, the healing process can shut down sexual interest for a while. This drop in libido is an attempt by the body and psyche to separate past coercive childhood sex from current consensual adult sex.
In fact, some therapists advise survivors not to engage in partner sex during healing, and to help their partners understand and support this. Sexual coercion has a powerful effect on future adult sexuality. Some people emerge with a horror of sex, others are only comfortable when they have complete control during sex, and certain individuals repeat earlier unhealthy sexual behaviours and so on. Once healing begins, survivors — as well as their partners — usually have to relearn how to connect sexually without aspects of lovemaking that owe a legacy to abuse. Be patient with yourself.
Hi Sis Noe
My wife prefers masturbation to sex with me. She has cheated on me a few times, too, and I have forgiven her but never forgotten. I want us to be counselled but she doesn’t want. What should I do? — Confused.
Reply
Your wife is giving you a great deal of unspoken information, but it is hard for you to take in, probably because it’s painful. There must be specific reasons why you stay in a marriage with someone who not only rejects you sexually, but also allows you to be aware of her alternative sexual choices. If the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives, then — like many other people in a similar bind — you may decide to continue. Plenty of people choose a sexless marriage, which is usually fine if that’s what both partners desire. But others put up with a situation such as yours because, deep down, they do not believe they can ever have a fair and equitable relationship. Think carefully about what you truly want and need. How important is sex to you? How important is having sex with her to you? Ask that she respect your perfectly valid and urgent need to talk this through. Given the impasse between you, you have a right to insist on counselling.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband is having wet dreams but we have sex frequently. Is it because I am not satisfying him or maybe he is not well? He has been stressed lately. — Help.
Reply
Encourage him to enjoy his nocturnal, unconscious sexuality. It is normal and — to some degree — most people have similar experiences at different points in their lives. It’s never easy to accept that, as creatures with different levels of consciousness, we are mysterious to ourselves. Nocturnal emissions may be more likely to occur when there is less “awake” sexual frequency, and your partner’s work stress could be responsible for the latter. Maybe his body is de-stressing him, for which he should try to be appreciative, rather than rejecting. Being critical of our own natural bodily or psychological processes is not helpful. You can help by showing acceptance yourself. But, at some level, people are also strangers to their partners, and he may actually be more worried about his anorgasmia during sex with you than he is letting on. That may be the most important conversation to initiate.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband and I rarely have sex because of stress and he says he is not in the mood because I take it out on him. However, one of the main causes of my stress has been the lack of intimacy. I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. — Worried.
Reply
Yes, it really is a cycle, and the way out is to stop perpetuating it! Stress affects far more than intimacy; it undermines your general physical and psychological health as well, so take immediate steps to reduce it, through meditation, exercise — whatever is most effective for you. But even more importantly, stop “taking it out” on him. If you are yelling at him, criticising him, allowing your frustration to be vented at him, that is simply being abusive, and there is no excuse. Even if you are just being irritable around him that would hardly be a turn-on for him, would it? One of the most common passion-killers in any relationship is underlying resentment, which truly shuts down a person’s sexual interest. The power dynamic between you urgently needs to be adjusted. Soften your approach and encourage him to express his true feelings. Listen to him. When he feels safe with you, his desire should return.
Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend doesn’t seem to know what to do during sex. He is 25 and he says he has had several sexual partners before me, but I don’t believe him. He penetrates and then seems to just stay there, barely moving, until I go on top and take control. — Starving.
Reply
He is probably afraid to thrust in case he finishes too quickly. Some men who ejaculate earlier than most partners would try to reduce sensation in this way, and it usually leaves their partners mystified. Your taking the dominant position may be a good way for him to delay orgasm because he has less control. It’s also possible that his early sexual exploration of his own body may have had to be extremely clandestine, with a minimum of movement, and he may be unable so far to transition to vigorous thrusting. Alternatively, he may simply have a limited range of comfortable coital styles. Either way, a conversation is necessary. For example, how does it feel for you when you are on top? Which is your preferred method of reaching orgasm? Once you have more information, you can figure out a way forward. Then, gently ask for what you need. It doesn’t matter whether he has had partners before or not; what’s important is to find a way to make things work for you both as individuals.