Hi Sis Noe
I HAVE been friends with this girl for years and we have dated different people but now I think she wants to be in a relationship with me and her friend has confirmed this. But I am afraid that if we break up our friendship will be dead. — Help.
Reply
When you look back on life, the things you regret the most are the things you haven’t done, rather than the things that you have. If you are attracted to her and she feels the same way, do you want to miss out on the opportunity to have a lovely relationship? Some start with instant sexual attraction, but often the relationships that are more likely to endure begin when you are great friends — as well as being attracted to each other. The friendship helps you to survive the inevitable ups and downs of a relationship. Of course, there is always a risk. When you fall in love, you become vulnerable, but she might turn out to be the girl who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Imagine how you would feel if she started going out with someone else and you realised — too late — what you were missing.
Hi Sis Noe
I just found out my girlfriend is HIV-positive. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. I confronted her about this and she said she didn’t tell me because she feared that I could dump her. She confessed that she has been on ARVs for three years now. — Stressed.
Reply
I can see why your girlfriend might have been scared to tell you the truth at the beginning. However, she should have told you and no wonder you are shocked. Her attitude doesn’t say much for her, I’m afraid. She should be more understanding and prepared to talk this through. Meanwhile, the first thing you must do is have an HIV test. There is no cure, but there are effective drug treatments. HIV treatment works by reducing the virus in the blood to undetectable levels, which prevents it from damaging the immune system. This also means that someone who is having effective treatment can’t pass the virus on. If she takes ARVs, it is unlikely that she has passed on HIV, especially if you use condoms. Get tested anyway for your peace of mind.
If you love each other, you may be able to sort this out together, but you could find that her deceit and lack of understanding have damaged your trust in her.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband and I have a good marriage except in one respect. He says that he can’t stand my mother and won’t have anything to do with her. I know that my mother is not easy; she is outspoken and opinionated and I find her difficult, too. She keeps asking why they hardly ever see my husband and I am running out of excuses. — Worried.
Reply
She may not be the easiest of mothers-in-law, but out of love and respect for you, your husband should make an effort to put up with her occasionally.
Marriage is meant to be about being together for the good and the bad times, after all. Acknowledge that you also find her difficult, but explain that it makes it increasingly hard for you if he runs for the hills every time there is a possibility of them meeting. He does not have to be there every time, but just enough to be polite. Explain that you don’t always like your mother’s views either, but that it would mean so much to you if he could learn to tolerate her. You can both moan about her to each other afterwards. Problems with in-laws often contribute to couples falling out so tell him how much you love him and that the last thing you want is for that to happen to you.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 20 and I have feelings for a workmate who is 40. We have both admitted that we are attracted to each other and have a connection. He is married to a woman 15 years younger than him. We both want to cross the line, but are not sure how to do it as we know it would be wrong. Whenever we work together there is a spark. — Aroused.
Reply
He is obviously into much younger women! I suspect that he would like an affair, but he probably has no intention of leaving his wife. If you did have an affair, you would get hurt when he eventually ends the relationship or his wife finds out about it. As you work together, your other colleagues would soon discover the truth — the couple involved are usually the last ones to realise this. If it ends badly, it would also be difficult to work together and you would have to find another job. Think ahead a little. In 20 years, when you are 40, would you want to be with a 60-year-old man? It will hurt less if you accept that he is probably pursuing you because he wants the fun of a sexual relationship and not necessarily because he has fallen in love with you. He should not be tempting you so don’t take this further. You have lots of time to meet someone else. You should also consider how his wife would feel if she found out about it.
Hi Sis Noe
I WhatsApped this guy and told him that I like him but he did not respond. I then told him that if he does not like me he can just say so. Instead of responding he blocked me. Was I too forward? — Confused.
Reply
He responded by blocking you — in short he does not like you. Unfortunately, this is a case of coming on far too strong, far too early. I am sure you now realise that getting angry was not a good move. Next time you meet someone you like, go slowly and be friendly and chatty — don’t dive in and ask them right away if they have romantic intentions.
Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend of one year is good to me and he says he loves me but he keeps talking to his ex-girlfriends. Two of them are beautiful and I think that they are still interested in being with him. He thinks that I am being unreasonable and unnecessarily jealous. — Worried.
Reply
This is difficult. If you think that they are still interested in him, then of course you see them as a threat. However, relationships are built on trust and you need to trust him, not them. He is a man, there will always be beautiful women who fancy him and you can’t control this. But if he says that he loves you and genuinely seems to feel this way, then you need to try to believe him. His relationship track record is a good indicator of his reliability.
Has he had good long-term relationships or only short ones? Did he always end them? I also wonder if your self-esteem is low as you are comparing yourself to his exes. Perhaps you need to work on your self-confidence and believe it when he says that he loves you. You can’t ask him to stop seeing them, but he also needs to understand that it is hard for you and he should be sensitive to this.