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Hi Sis Noe
I GOT married at 40 after a life time of sex and adventure. I did everything you can think of but I married a woman who is conservative when it comes to sex. At first it was not an issue but now it is because I want to enjoy sex with her. She does not initiate sex and she is not that active during sex. — Help.
Reply
So, before your marriage, you knew that she was conservative but you chose to marry her? It would be useful now to consider why you chose her in the first place and why only now it has become unbearably difficult. I imagine many things besides sex initially drew you to her, perhaps a sense of safety.
Perhaps your private sexual adventures, desires and behaviour have been troubling to you over the years? Some people who feel that they are at odds with societal norms seek a psychological refuge by marrying someone who is aligned with the part of them that can resist unwanted urges. They feel calm and self-controlled with someone who is not driven by, for example, the need to sleep with many partners. Your wife is clearly uninterested in acting like a porn star; in fact, she has somehow come to believe that she is devoid of proficiency when it comes to any kind of sex. You cannot change her to the extent that she would match you in libido or style. Learn to accept your own desires and let go of trying to alter hers. Instead of comparing her with more exciting, sexually confident partners you might have previously had, consider exploring her idiosyncratic sexual or sensual needs.
Support her, accept who she is and, if she allows it, learn to pleasure her in subtle, gentle ways. Try to bolster her confidence, celebrate the differences between you and focus on the things you appreciate about her. This is not as difficult as you think. In time, she may surprise you.
Hi Sis Noe
I am not experienced when it comes to sex and this is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. Our sex life is poor and boring because of me and as a result we are frustrated and we fight a lot. — Worried.
Reply
You are far too judgemental — and mainly of yourself. If you remain focused on being good in bed, or trying to prove anything at all, you will never enjoy sex as you deserve, or please your partner. Sexual confidence makes you attractive to others, but paradoxically, the best way to achieve that is to let go of expectations or goals regarding sex and simply allow yourself to have fun. Bring the qualities you enjoy in each other generally, into your lovemaking sessions. Laugh, and truly relax together. You might well consider putting a self-imposed ban on sex for a while, in favour of simple playfulness. It’s important to bridge the gap between the positive connection and regard you have for each other in non-sexual situations, and the stressful atmosphere you jointly create during your attempts at eroticism. There is nothing erotic about facing a lover with the cold fear of not measuring up. Instead, simply allow yourselves to give and receive pure pleasure, and tell each other exactly what you would like; that is the basis of thrilling, stress-free intimacy.
Hi Sis Noe
I used to have good sex with my girlfriend but now things have changed. She does not want sex, she says she is always tired and sex is not a priority.
She says she loves me a lot and that she needs more time to feel more deeply passionate. I am finding it frustrating, and feel neglected and misled because in her past relationships she was not like this. — Frustrated.
Reply
People often enter relationships for reasons that do not include sex, or where sex is a low priority. You are receiving many clear signs that she is drawn to you for different reasons, but you seem to be finding it hard to accept this. Instead, you are framing it in the following light: “Lots of people before me had great regular sex with her — why not me? What’s wrong with me? Why is she even with me?” But a plethora of partners in a person’s past does not mean the sex was always good, or even consistent. Perhaps she finds it difficult to maintain interest with anyone at all because she is indeed stressed, anxious or depressed. You need to know her better. Talk to her about her feelings and share yours, without blame. Ask what you could do to make sex more exciting for her. She may have chosen you because she feels safe with you, which could indicate a complex psychological issue, but if sex is a high priority for you and not at all for her, consider moving on.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 38 years old and I am failing to maintain an erection during sex. I have been to doctors and done tests and nothing wrong was found in me. When I am masturbating I maintain an erection but during sex my organ softens. — Help.
Reply
Your mind may be playing tricks on you. Such a well-entrenched pattern of erectile failure can start as an occasional inability to maintain erection, but become a self-fulfilling prophecy, when your anxiety about it actually becomes a large part of the cause. So, during lovemaking, instead of enjoying feelings of love, pleasure and sensuality, you may be imbued with performance anxiety, which seriously hampers your natural arousal responses. Have you tried some of the erectile dysfunction medications, which can be physiologically useful and help build confidence? There can certainly be treatable psychological reasons for consistent erectile failure. But the best approach at this point is to immediately stop trying to maintain an erection and focus on the giving and receiving of pleasure without intercourse. It is vital for you to re-frame sex as something relaxing and sensually pleasing rather than a goal or chore. Take time to fully explore all the non-penetrative things you both enjoy, and have fun experimenting. Only return to intercourse when your confidence has come back — and even then think of penetration as a side attraction rather than the main event.
SOULMATES
I’m Zenzo aged 34, looking for a soul mate to marry. I don’t care whether HIV-positive or not. I am negative.
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