A FEW idle observations on the matter of love triangles and apportioning blame. When a person chooses to cheat on his or her spouse or partner, he or she is responsible for that choice and assumes total culpability for it. I think we misdiagnose the causes of marital disharmony and erroneously assign blame to the ‘‘other woman’’ or the ‘‘other man’’ who are essentially symptoms of the problem, not the cause.
The admonition that the cheated wife or husband should ‘‘deal with your person’’ and not attack the ‘‘other woman’’ or the ‘‘other man’’ is spot on. Concluding that the problem is the person that is cheating with your spouse and not your spouse per se, is simple misdirection. I, for one, do not subscribe to the whole so-and-so ‘‘stole my husband’’ or ‘‘stole my wife’’ mantra — it absolves the cheating spouse of any responsibility, like they are an article of clothing or a plate of sadza left unattended and at the mercy of whatever grubby little fingers that are itching to pilfer a married person.
I have also heard it said that the ‘‘other man’’ or the ‘‘other woman’’ is a ‘‘home wrecker’’ and the suffering of the children is laid at their doorstep because they have “torn a family apart’’.
Surely, the person who should care more about what happens to his or her children is the married person because it is unreasonable to expect ‘‘an outsider’’ to bear the burden of caring more for the stability of someone’s family than the person who started that family. If a married man or a woman can’t think of what having an affair will do to his or her children, pray tell, why must it be the job of the ‘‘outsider’’ to ‘‘think about the children’’? Wouldn’t that be akin to crying louder than the bereaved?
If a married man or woman is not worried about how having an affair will wreck his or her home, why should the ‘‘outsider’’ bend over backwards to keep the home from being wrecked? How is it the outsider’s business whether or not the cheat is fending for their family or misspending their money? Surely, it is the responsibility of the married person who has children to care about the welfare of his or her children, to care about their well-being and to be invested in keeping his or her family intact?
Why should this burden or expectation fall upon the ‘‘outsider’’? If a grown man or woman decides that the person they are having an affair with is far more important to them than the welfare of their family or happiness of their children — why should the ‘‘outsider’’ be held liable?
If you happen to have a cheating spouse and want to use the welfare or fate of the children to make your case, you are better off addressing your cheating spouse than haranguing an ‘‘outsider’’. Think about it, in real terms, what does the ‘‘outsider’’ owe you? Nothing. Not a single damn thing.
It is easy to blame the ‘‘outsider’’ for the demise of the marriage because they are easy targets, low-hanging fruit as it were.
But the fault is often closer to home and the truth that cuts closer to the bone is your marriage was in trouble long before the ‘‘other woman’’ or ‘‘other man’’ came along. It is just easier to shift blame and misdirect one’s anger.
Surely if the father or mother of your children cannot be swayed by your tears and pleas, or even moved by your evoking the well-being or happiness of the children you made together — how will similar antics play out with an ‘‘outsider’?
People do not address effectively problems that they do not properly diagnose.
As long as the prevailing wisdom holds that spouses can be ‘‘stolen’’ or that ‘‘outsiders’’ can single-handedly ‘‘wreck homes’’ — there will always be misdirected apportionment of blame.
A marriage is the responsibility of the parties who enter into it — no one else. Let’s not get it twisted.
Let’s say for argument’s sake, that all ‘‘outsiders’’ refused to date married men or married women. Would families be stronger and homes more peaceful? I doubt that. I think some married folk would be left high and dry, stuck in their miserable marriages (if indeed they are miserable) with the person they chose to marry and be fighting without reprieve or opt for divorce. I could be wrong of course.
But at the end of it all, the ‘‘other man’’ or the ‘‘other woman’’ will never cry louder than the bereaved. If some married people disabused themselves of the notion that ‘‘outsiders’’ owe them or their children anything, maybe they would start to take concrete steps towards correctly assessing and appropriately diagnosing what ails their marriages.
Fighting every person your spouse cheats on you with will never address the root cause of why your spouse strays or why your marriage is in the doldrums.
That’s my two cents worth. Stop fighting people you don’t know or expecting them to give a damn about you or your children or the state of your marriage if your own spouse who promised to love and cherish you cannot be bothered with it. You will be fighting a losing battle and, more to the point, you will be fighting the wrong battle.
PARTING SHOT: “He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It’s his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry.” — Markus Zusak.
(Written for #SaveManqoba fundraising initiative. #SundayNewsSolidarity).
